Untitled

into-the-waves:

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing…

D

I don’t even know why I’m writing this because I know you won’t read this but I’ll write it anyways

I guess I should start by saying that I’m sorry, this whole thing is my fault. 

I was really stupid. That’s the only explanation I can think of. Why else would I turn one of the best parts of my day into arguably the worst. Before I screwed everything up we used to talk and it was good. Now if I try and talk to you it’s more like work than fun. I guess I did that because I got too comfortable and hoped for more. But I guess that’s just the funny thing about hope, it always seems to ruin good things. And although I know it will never go back to the way it was, I feel like I should apologize for everything. Luckily for me, you happen to be a nice person and helped this move past the worst part of this situation. And I know that it will never go back to being as good as it was. And while that most likely doesn’t matter to you, it does matter to me. So, I’m sorry for everything. Luckily there’s only one more day that you will have to deal with me. Then I won’t ever bother you with my presence again. I guess what I’m saying is that it really sucks that I lost a good friend for nothing but empty hope.   

Belonging

You know those times where you are with a group of people and you feel you just don’t belong. Well I get that feeling as I believe everyone does. But the problem is I get that feeling in the presence of company that I should be comfortable around. Like those times where I’m sitting with my family at dinner. I’ll start sitting there and getting twitchy, not because all I want to do is leave to do other things, it’s because I just feel odd in their company, as if I really just shouldn’t be there, like I don’t belong. I’m ok with that. I understand that you don’t pick your family and maybe that’s why I feel that way. But my real problem is that I get that feeling with my friends… And not even just when we are sitting down and talking and I just have nothing to say so I feel dumb. Times like now. When I’m sitting on the floor writing this. We are watching a movie and I feel I just don’t fit in the picture… Take me out and it just looks better… T, T, and D sitting on the couch laughing, B and C sitting on the other couch together, his arm around her. Perfect picture… Then you have me sitting on the floor. Like a stain on the picture… A smudge… Something that just shouldn’t be there… I feel this way with the people that I chose to be with, the ones I should feel comfortable around, the ones I should have fun with… I don’t know… It’s just not a nice thing to think about…. I guess this is just one of those things… Just makes me remember why I loved linkin park all those years ago… “When this began, I had nothing to say, I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face. I was confused. Looking everywhere only to find that it’s not the way that I had imagined it, all in my mind…

Hope

This is kind of responding to a friend. 

Hope…

 Hope is the most powerful force in the world…

 That also makes it the most destructive…

 This year, I made plenty of mistakes, but mistake #2 was to get my hopes up.

 All that leads to is pain and disappointment. Without hope none of this would have ever happened. But there is one specific subset of hope that is particularly destructive. That hope is false hope. False hope disguises itself as real hope. Like a shadow in the mist. Like a spider in its web. A danger just below the surface. False hope raises you high as real hope. Put your spirits high. Gives you high expectations. But then slowly but surely starts to peek its head out from its disguise. But it’s crafty and you never see it coming. And then… SNAP. It whips off its disguise and hurls you off the mountain it put you on top of. And once you start your descent, there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Everyone has had it happen to them. And if it hasn’t happened to you, well you just might be the luckiest person in the world.

 For eight long years I built up my walls. I kept my expectations low. And life was… tolerable. But this year, in an act of just enormous stupidity I decided, hey why not try and open up. And in my just ridiculously dumb state of mind, I opened up and broke down that hard, battle tested and trusty walls. And all that did is make me realize why I put up those walls in the first place. It’s the same reason why the turtle is tied for my favorite animal. It’s safe inside those walls. I can’t say those walls don’t have their own disadvantages to them. But as I’ve learned this year, it’s well worth it to be safe. I take enough dumb risks with my body that I know what they can do. But risking your body is one thing. Risking what’s inside is the real danger. When you hurt your body there is recovery time. And whether it be from falling off that tree or getting knocked out from that kick to the head. The recovery is relatively short. But risking what’s inside, and damaging that, is much worse. The recovery is slow and painful. So I’m just going to start the long process of rebuilding those walls I so foolishly tore down. I guess I’d just rather be safe and cynical than broken and hopeful. I’m only going to break once; I’m not going to let it happen again. So to all of you who are full of hope, I wish you the best of luck. But I think I’m just going to go back to my walls. It’s the only one thing I don’t get about why I want to join the military… I’d just rather be safe…

this video is completely accurate up to 2:11

alastbeginend:

Senior year for some is supposed to be a laid back year.

However, I find that in my senior year, I have a lot of work to do. I haven’t really been the most outgoing person in my past few years, and perhaps this year I’ve been trying to make up for it.

In essence, I’ve been trying to really…

Running

Running

Why do we run?

That is what we ask ourselves everyday when we go out to practice, after every hard workout, everyday we do this.

Everyone has their own individual reason. They may sound the same but in the end they are all different, just like that pattern on the tip of your finger.

Sorbi says it’s to stay in shape.
Max says it’s the same but he found that he enjoys it too.
Meghan says it’s just because she likes too, because it’s fun.

But then there are the others. The ones that stand there and honestly don’t know why they do it. Why the pound the ground time and time again, gasping for air with each stride taken. Dimitri and Joe say they don’t know. I used to be standing there, right next to them, puzzled and confused… But I think I’ve found my reason.

For me running has the same literal and symbolic meaning. Running away. The physical action is the only thing that can be used to help me deal with life. I deal with life by getting angry at it. Whether I’m sad, embarrassed, mad, disappointed, confused, or ashamed; I get angry. Over the years I’ve made a system to deal with life. Everything I feel turns into anger. And I take that anger and run it off, I run until I get the point where I’m too tired to be angry. Yes, I know it is an unhealthy system, and my the blood stains from my knuckles on walls can show you that,  but behind the protection of my walls my system gets me through the days. In my brain the physical act of running might correspond to escaping my problems because other exercise doesn’t produce the same effect. Running is my only escape.

This is probably why I make marching turns when I walk regularly. If anyone cared to pay attention to my walking (why they would I would never know) they would notice that the majority of the time I only make angular turns, not rounded like normal people, and I make the turns off the foot opposite the way I am going, turns to the right off the left foot and turns to the left off the right foot. It might be that I just like the structure but I do enjoy my 45 and 90 degree turns.

Until the day I have no need to run or find a better way to deal with life I will keep on running, left right left… right left… left… left right … right… right left… left… left right

What Should I Do

What Should I Do

I’m really not sure.

I’ve told everyone that I’ve given up, thrown in the towel, but I’m not sure I want to give up that easily.

They say the good things in life are worth fighting for. But I’m not sure I’m up for dealing with this kind of pain. I have been called a masochist, glutton for punishment, and just insane for some of the shit I have done just for the hell of it, for the experience. I mean what kind of teenager from a well-off family VOLUNTARILY goes to a military school… twice. But I have really never minded the physical aspect of pain. It’s the mental aspect that scares me. The kind of pain that I can’t overcome by just getting angry at and eliminate by just running it away. No this kind of pain is the thing that makes my head spin. Keeping me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about it. I can admit defeat now and cope with what is, which is probably the smart move. People say it’s better to try because its not the end of the world and you’ll get over it, but I’m not sure I really ready to deal with this shit again. I’ve spent so many years building the walls I hide behind, protecting me from the world, keeping everything out. So the question is, do I live stuck in a little bit of sadness, or do I try and open the walls and risk an ocean of sadness for a small chance for something better?

Smiling

written on the plane to Spain 

Smiling

I’ve gotten really good at it.

I never thought I would ever need to smile at people, but now I need to do it every day. I’m not sure I even know what smiling really  feels like… I don’t do it all too often.

They say that It takes more muscles to frown than to smile… Then why does my face hurt when I smile and not when I frown. It may have something to do with that scowl my face always seems to resort back to. I’m not exactly sure when this happened but I know know it’s here now and that it seems to be here to stay. It probably has something to do with the system I use to deal with the problems in my life but that’s something for another time. I can only think of one time in the last 2 weeks that I have actually had a smile as my basic facial expression… And that was out of a misinformed hope…
 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever get rid of this or if I even want to get rid of it. Maybe all of that negativity and pessimism has caught up with me. I guess for now I’ll just have to settle with the little smirks I get. I wonder if I’ll ever get any of what I’ve lost back… I’m not sure if I miss it though… Mostly Because I’m not exactly sure I know what I’ve actually lost… I just know I’m missing something…